What a Difference TIme Makes

Fourteen years ago my mom died, not fourteen years ago today granted, but close enough to today that it already weighs heavy on my mind this year. The memory of this amazingly powerful woman my son never got to meet, a woman who never got to see me grow into a woman. Remembering losing her is still, to this day a mind shattering event. She'd been sick my whole life, all ten little years of it, but it never once occurred to my innocent little child's mind that she could in an instant be gone. Until one day, she was.

It's funny the memories of the time that passed right after my mom died that stay strong in my mind. I remember vividly the panic I felt upon waking up at 6:45 in the morning, horrified I was going to be late to school for the first time ever. I remember crying, heart broken on the bathroom floor, not over my mom's death but over the realization that I would have to cut my hair because I had no idea how to brush the well over three feet of it on my own. I'd never needed to learn. I remember the teddy bear that Brittany and Chris's mom gave me, it's soft white fluffy fur and pink satin feet and how it smelled of Brittany's mom's perfume for months after wards.

I remember it raining almost all day the day she died, and I remembered my mom telling me when I was once afraid of rain and thunderstorms that the angels were crying while they were bowling. I remember thinking the angels shouldn't be crying now that they had my mom. I remember becoming very angry, at nothing in particular. I remember the day I decided that if there was a God and He could just take my mom from me like that, that I no longer wanted His help.

I remember years after she died, after the few good years I shared with my father were over when I got really mad at my dad. When I started to lash out at him in any way I could wanting for some reason I never understood to hurt him as badly as I hurt. I remember hating being such an awkward and confused girl, so awkward that I never really got to be a pretty girl though I could have. I never had a real date or any of those oh so special rights of passage for young girls. I remember wishing I knew things I just didn't and my dad trying desperately to teach me or find someone I'd trust enough to let them teach me. It only made me even more angry at him.

I remember the first time and probably the only time now that I really think about it, that I truly made my dad mad at me. I remember looking up at him from the floor rubbing the side of his face after he slapped me, the pain in his eyes and wanting to forgive him, to stop being angry then, but just not being able to. I remember never wanting to have children because of all the pain I was constantly causing my dad. I remember wanting to go to college and get out on my own but being too afraid to.

I remember thinking that the pain of losing my mom was the worst pain I could ever feel. Then my dad died. I don't remember a whole lot about the few weeks immediately after my dad died. I remember the floor in Mona's kitchen being oddly cold in the middle of the summer as I sat on it where I feel when I was told he was gone. I remember calling Joe a lot. I remember crying every time James hugged me the rest of the summer. I remember wishing I had never been angry at my dad. I remember wondering if he really knew just how much I loved him.

I remember crying when I saw Cheez Whiz at the grocery store. I remember having some of the best conversations I have ever had with momma Laura. I remember thinking how sad it was that my son would never get to hear my dad's stories, he told the greatest stories.

Next month will make a year since my dad died, May 13. April 24 makes fourteen years since I last saw my mom. It feels strange being as young as I am and having both my parents gone, I thought maybe in time the lost feeling would go away, but it doesn't really.

I still find myself wanting to call my dad for advice on how to discipline and teach my son, and getting sad that I can't. I still haven't deleted his old number out of my phone. I just want to get over this sad lost little girl feeling I have all the time, but I just can't shake it. I can push it aside when I keep busy but the moment I slow down it creeps up on me leaving me wondering, if time is supposed to heal all wounds why isn't it working.

Just for Denise

I know you've been dying for some new images of my wee beast so here's this for a start. Picture blog still to come later today. :)

Haven't Posted A Lot Lately

I've been working rather diligently on trying to write my novel, it's a far more difficult task than I ever dared imagine it would be. But working on it, thinking about it, dreaming about it, gives me a sense of peace I haven't had in a long time.

I've also done a lot of thinking lately, about my dad, it's been almost a year since he died now.

Been thinking about him a lot as I try to console a friend of mine who is going through something unimaginably terrible. Granted, she's a friend from an online game, but she's going through the worst thing that has ever happened in her life. Her and I can talk and talk about so many things and now in her time of most dire need she turns to me for support.

And I, who so many people find to be so strong, I could think of nothing to tell her. I wanted to have some words of wisdom, anything at all to offer her some tiny amount of peace in this horrible time and I drew a blank. All I could think of was my dad, and before I knew what I was doing I found myself typing out words I'd heard him say probably a million times. Words that had irritated me to no end, but now somehow seemed to mean more than I ever realized before.

So I told her, "My dad used to say this all the time when things were rough and I hope it can bring you some tiny bit of comfort. Put your hand on your right shoulder and give it a squeeze and I'm right there with you."

So I gave her these words of my father's wisdom, and after a sort hesitation she comes back to me with thanks, and tells me she feels a little calmer. All I can do is smile and try so hard not to cry, she tells me she is going to go to bed and try and get some sleep for the first time in weeks.

I tell her good night and remind her anytime she needs me I'm right there. She says nothing but I just know, somehow, that for the first time since it all started she has a little smile on her face.

I just sat at my computer crying softly for a few minutes.

Mushroom and Cream Cheese Beef Pasta

This is something I just threw together, it makes a creamy flavorful rich tasting sauce that goes great over pasta.

Ingredients

2 lbs. stew meat
1 package crimini mushrooms
1 cup frozen peas
1 medium sweet onion
2 cans cream of mushroom soup
1 tub cream cheese (the spread kind for bagels)
steak spice
olive oil
butter
Worcester sauce
1/2 cup of milk
garlic
2 tbsp flour
salt and pepper

Place stew meat in a seal able Tupperware container add minced garlic, steak spice and Worcester sauce to taste. Seal and toss to coat evenly. Place in fridge for two to three hours.

Dice onion and saute in a non stick skillet with a little butter and olive oil seasoned with salt and pepper until caramelized. Remove onions and set aside once thoroughly cooked and golden.

Slice the crimini mushrooms and saute them with a little more olive oil and butter seasoned with salt and pepper until almost cooked, then add the frozen peas. Once the peas are warm through remove from skillet and add to bowl with onions.

Add the flour to the stew meat and toss until thoroughly coated. Add to hot skillet lightly coated with olive oil. Brown until completely cooked. Then remove from skillet.

Add the cream cheese and cream soup to the skillet and heat until the cream cheese is throughly melted into the cream soups. Add in meat and veggies and stir until thoroughly mixed. Then stir in milk and heat through.

Serve tossed over rotini pasta, as it holds the tasty sauce the best.

I Think Too Much

I have a really annoying habit of over thinking just about anything, and second guessing everything even after I've over thought it. That's just me it's who I am.

Like I probably won't know for sure what I'm going to go back to school for until the day I hand in money to enroll, and even then I'll probably change my mind nine times that day.

I'm indecisive in a really huge way and it's never really bothered me. It's easy to dream big when you are indecisive, dreams are limitless.

But when you are trying to write a novel, indecisiveness kills things. It makes every word frustrating and puts me in a volatile mood.

I'm also thinking about starting a second blog, or just a new set of entries for this one for recipes I come up with. Actually I'm going to do it I just don't know when I'll start. It just seems like a good way to keep track of what I'm cooking.

Things to Get Excited About

I'm trying to find ways to help me pump out my writing, among these is getting a stereo so I can listen to mixes of music I make, music helps my mood, which helps my writing flow, and I'm so excited about my writing again I can't stand it.

Being excited about writing again makes me want to be excited about life more again. I want to sing and dance around my apartment again, like I used to. I like singing like no one else can hear me and dancing like no one can see me. It's liberating.

I need a little good liberation.

Anyone want to pay pal me some money for a shelf radio? LOL

Great and Sprawling Vision

I've got this book in my head, slowly leaking out into a written format, and it's a great feeling to have again.

I've got a whole series growing in my head complete with little randomly jotted notes to keep things straight as I come up with them. This ever growing world and this epic adventure, characters I've created slowly in my head for years are coming to life and it makes me feel so complete.

Since I was oh, sixteen or so, I've been trying to write this novel. I've started it countless times, and always lost interest in them at some point, some wrong turn was taken and things just went down hill from there. But now, it is so different.

I've got this great and sprawling vision and I think I can really do this. I think, no I know, that in time this will be a full length novel on paper, something I can hold and show with pride.

I just hope on that day it makes my mom and my daddy as proud.